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Setting Boundaries Protects Our Energy.

24 Aug

I think healthy boundaries are about reciprocal respect. They include setting up and communicating reasonable, clear expectations of acceptable ways for other people to behave towards us that contribute to feeling safe, supported and valued.

Imagine crouching under one of those slightly dented, aluminium colanders with a lot of holes. That’s kind of what my boundaries looked like when I was a kid. 

When I first learnt about boundaries as a young therapist, I replaced that colander with a magnificent castle on a lush flower-filled island, surrounded by a moat, filled with snapping piranhas. I installed a drawbridge that only I could lift or lower because after all, the most important boundary a person can set, is limiting their availability. I also created a shield with light, bullet proof, glittery glass bricks, because the goal of boundaries is to be protected and stay connected at the same time.

My boundaries might seem like a fortress to some, but they serve to keep me clear, focused, more tolerant, and compassionately away from resentment. 

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What Makes Gossip And Rumours So Dangerous?

25 May
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Gossip exposes someone who isn’t present to defend themselves, to the collective wrath of others. It denies them a right to be fairly heard. It’s a cunning, passive aggressive form of ally recruitment, warlike in nature, used to advance one’s own opinions and agenda. Spreading rumours can be harmful to the reputation, credibility and social standing of others. Gossip encourages recruiters to dislike, be wary, mistrust, avoid, exclude and see the target as unappealing. It’s a form of social bullying.

Incite hatred long enough in any community, and it will eventually fall into the ears of those from the dark side of humanity, those who take pleasure in taking matters into their own hands, provoking and harassing. Once indifference has been fostered, destroying others becomes sport-like. Be wary because encouraging others to act on your behalf is dangerous and in some cases illegal, for both of you.

Fight or flight becomes the norm for the target in a misinformation campaign. Sometimes targets can’t cope and may hurt or harm themselves or they may take serious revenge as an escape from the constant pressure. Both can have devastating consequences. (Please see additional links below if you need help for either.)

If you are in the presence of someone spreading gossip about another person, here a few things you could say to disarm them:

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How To Deal With Verbal Attacks.

26 Feb

Courage

Online, you can delete, block and sometimes report inappropriate or abusive comments, but what do you do if someone verbally attacks you at a dinner party or gathering?

After watching Anthony launch into a witch hunt on Cheryl at the dinner party on Married at First Sight Australia  (series 4 episode 10) I realized a few things.

1.  A lot of people, even strong empowered ones, don’t always know HOW to stop unwanted, unwarranted, unacceptable tirades.

2. Abuse often renders people speechless and causes what I call “bunny in the headlights.”

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3. The majority of people tend to sit in a bystander rather than Continue reading →

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What To Do If Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected.

20 Dec

happiness

image from myinsidejobonlife

Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. Brene Brown.

Boundaries are guidelines put in place to encourage emotional and physical safety and are created by people who respect their own strengths, abilities and individuality as well as those of others.

Most of us are pretty clear about our distinct values, beliefs, psychological needs and preferences. Knowing who we are in our inner world and how we want to live in our outer world is a healthy and empowered way to be.

The imaginary line we draw around us to say this is who I am and these are the things that are important to me are not always respected by

  • habitual advantage takers
  • chaos and catastrophe addicts
  • drama makers with no self behaviour filters
  • the overly needy who expect you to save and solve their constant problems
  • people who are overly invested or amazed by you after only knowing you a short time
  • poor listeners
  • shame and blame throwers
  • judgemental disapproving types
  • manipulators, abusers and bullies.

The distress we feel when a boundary is violated is a message to protect ourselves and a signal to clearly express to bothersome people that there are things we don’t want them to do or say to us, one moment longer. When we set a limit or say no, or stop or don’t, it should count. We can state our feelings and wants and needs clearly, and set Continue reading →

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5 Things People Do Wrong In Relationships.

16 Aug

Resolving Conflict

Illustrated by Clementine Sourdais.

1. We focus on what’s wrong rather than acknowledging and growing what’s right.

Ruminating on annoyances never makes them magically disappear. Instead we need to consciously manage our own reactions, responses and behaviours by curiously wondering what gets triggered within us when we feel wronged or annoyed. Or we could choose to just step away and skip merrily on our way, sidestepping obstacles. The more we involve ourselves in tasks that propel us forward and make us feel good, the better. See if you can stop, breathe, count to five and remind yourself of the value your loved ones add to your life.

2. We criticise rather than praise behaviours or affirm competence.

Think about how it feels when you have your less than fabulous traits pointed out to you in a way that doesn’t invite healthy discussion, kindness or creative solutions. People are so much more ready to give negative feedback than positive, and are likely to tell all who will listen about bad service rather than yell thanks from the rooftops about great service. Let’s all aim to spread more kindness around. Acknowledge. Affirm. Praise. Give Continue reading →

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7 Ways To Begin To Renovate Your Life.

14 Mar

circling-horses-prints

Circling Horses by Cassia Beck

If life feels stale around the edges, a lot of stuff is going wrong, others are being critical and competitive, friendships seem to be falling to the curb like flies, and normal activities begin to feel like swimming through thick fog, it could to time to change things up.

Often people will grin and bear it, grit their teeth, grind their teeth at night, and push on regardless, which is fine for a short time, just not a long time as it can compound the difficulties. Sometimes what we resist persists. When negativity outweighs positivity and it’s closing in on you from the outside and you have taken personal responsibility, searched deep within and tried many things that just aren’t working, or no one is listening or supporting you, or worse still blaming you, close the door and open another. Sometimes it’s actually not your fault. Sometimes you wake up and realise that you aren’t surrounded by your tribe. Or you realise that your shine and sparkle is being dulled in order to make someone else feel more adequate. Step away from determination and move closer to joy. Continue reading →

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Never Ever Dull My Sparkle.

16 Jun

Credit to artist Evan Heasman - Soju Shots. This is his princess.

Credit to artist Evan Heasman – Soju Shots. This is his princess.

In the middle of a cold wet winter day, hauling in our olive harvest, dressed in drenched rags, full of the flu, I heard myself asking the angels for a miracle, a way out of unfortunate circumstances, a way back to my sparkle.

I usually like to sit in the Cinderella story as either the fairy godmother who helps others see their brilliance and potential, or as the bejewelled sparkling girl at the ball, feeling proud of my own accomplishments. I am not at all comfortable being Continue reading →

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Snow White And Rose Red.

5 Apr

Rose Red and Snow White

Photo credit and thanks to Nisha Ravji Photography and Models Sabina Vixen and Candy Thorne.

Snow White and Rose Red is a Brother’s Grimm fairytale about two sisters who shared a close and loving friendship with each other, where ‘No evil ever befell them.’

Their widowed mother taught them ‘What one has, she must share with another,’  so they effortlessly obeyed and shared whatever they had. This fostered the type of generosity and kindness that enabled them to offer shelter to a half-frozen bear who knocked on their door in the middle of winter, asking to be warmed. He became a trusted family friend, and when he left in the spring, they were sad. On their many adventures they encountered Continue reading →

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Good Versus Evil.

12 Jan

The world is and always has been, filled with good and evil. It is what it is. It’s a kind of wilderness that we need to learn to survive in. We have to find our own way through and manage ourselves down at the waterhole, staying alert to and seeking shelter from giants, angry dwarves, wolves and many bad apples along the way. Even if we don’t bump into trouble personally, disaster, violence, cruelty and horror has a way of bursting into our lives and living rooms, into our newspapers, onto our television screens and into our neighbourhoods more often than any of us would like.

Credit to: Artist Evan Heasman (Soju Shots")This is one of his deliciously dark art pieces.

Credit to: Artist Evan Heasman (Soju Shots) This is one of his deliciously dark artworks.

We live in a time where it’s getting harder to screen things out. Over exposure to excessive darkness and real life horror stories (even though they a reality) can cause us to Continue reading →

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That’s Just Nonsense.

9 Nov
The loveliest Owl and the Pussycat book and illustrations by Kevin Waldron.

The Owl and the Pussycat is a famous nonsense poem, written in 1871 by artist and poet Edward Lear about two critters who went to sea in a beautiful pea green boat. His words, as absurd as they are, have the ability to conjure up strong images. What’s so interesting about reading anything created by someone else, is that our response is personal to us, and is coloured, either positively or negatively in some way by our own story.

Three different people with different outlooks and beliefs could close their eyes and see an owl and a pussycat getting married by a turkey and come up with three entirely different views and opinions. Unless the opinions are uplifting, inspiring, supportive and add to the enjoyment of the owl and the pussycat getting married by a turkey, maybe we all need to learn that it makes more sense to keep them to oneself?

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