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How To Deal With Verbal Attacks.

26 Feb

Courage

Online, you can delete, block and sometimes report inappropriate or abusive comments, but what do you do if someone verbally attacks you at a dinner party or gathering?

After watching Anthony  launch into a witch hunt on Cheryl at the dinner party on Married at First Sight Australia  (series 4 episode 10) I realized a few things.

1.  A lot of people, even strong empowered ones, don’t always know HOW to stop unwanted, unwarranted, unacceptable tirades.

2. Abuse often renders people speechless and causes what I call “bunny in the headlights.”

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3. The majority of people tend to sit in a bystander rather than Continue reading

Beauty And The Beast.

4 Apr
Credit: Wallpapersus.com

Credit: Wallpapersus.com

I have noticed a bit of a trend here in New Zealand on open social network platforms, a trend that I believe probably needs a lot of education and a slather of magic to actually create change. It’s a modern version of the tall poppy syndrome.

Working with couples for a quarter of a century I’ve noticed a similar trend.

  • It’s easier to be negative than it is to be positive.
  • It’s easier to take offence and be offensive, than it is to distance and disentangle.
  • It’s easier to point the finger and blame than it is to drop deeply within oneself and wonder why such a strong response got activated within us.
  • It’s easier to jump on someone when they are down than it is to realize we all make mistakes, we are all imperfect and we all have beastly parts that luckily don’t appear very often in a public arena.
  • It’s easier to fight and fume than it is to let it go, forgive or forget.
  • It’s easier to criticize and feel contempt than it is to stay curious and compassionate.

If a news reader makes a mistake by not realizing their microphone is still on when they expresses a personal opinion, how come it is so difficult for so many to be able to simply say “Gosh, how interesting.” Or, “How embarrasing.”

It’s good to remember my saying,”Opinion is not truth.” Whatever she said is really just an estimation of reality. Is it fact, fallacy or fiction? Rather than telling, teaching or preaching and trying to force someone to recognize an error, whatever happened to gently encouraging someone to question more thoroughly what they accept as truth, or trusting that they are capable of learning their own lesson?

When we are able to move away from reacting with biased viewpoints, discrimination and prejudice and are able to move towards tolerance, fairness and equality, pure hearts begin to shine.

 

Unhappy Endings. My Goodbye To Charlotte Dawson.

24 Feb

When I attended my school reunion, I found out that the boy who taunted me for a whole year when I was 12, was secretly in love with me. It wasn’t until my mum stepped in and told him that I could use my Judo skills to waste him, that he stopped.

Bullies like to bring down those who they see or experience as a threat to them. If they can’t have what you have, whether that be a kind heart, a gorgeous body, a particular talent, a life in the public eye, fame or fortune, then you may become their target. If you reject them or answer back, it’s likely to subject you to relentless hounding, and increase the attacks and abuse. If you go head to head with them and overly stand up for yourself or shame them, there’s a chance that you can get misunderstood more, targeted all over again for new reasons by a whole new set of people, or be labelled as “intense” “trouble” or told you “bring in on yourself.” It can even lose you friends who don’t want to hear your story. I am passionate about this subject and apologize in advance if my post is too long and comes off a bit like a political speech! I was invited to share my views on the news, but I couldn’t physically make it to the city, so this is my attempt to raise awareness of adult bullying.

Most people might find it difficult to understand what it must have felt like for Charlotte to have had her spirit consciously crushed by a collective bunch of anonymously cloaked bullies, some perhaps with sociopathic tendencies. When someone chips away at someone else’s tower of strength over and over, brick by brick, they are in essence willing them to crumble. How does someone take pleasure in that and sleep soundly at night? When the bullies take the next step and gather their army of supporters and push forward with bulldozers, it can fill bystanders with fear. If others speak up on your behalf, they can be next on the hit list. This can further isolate a vulnerable target. Imagine Rapunzel Continue reading

Lady Luck.

12 Oct

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I love potential. I love seeing brave people going after their dreams, taking chances, combining talent with lady luck. I also enjoy most parts of reality shows that give people a chance to shine, whether they’re renovating houses, singing or performing in talent shows. What I enjoy less is the mocking and trashing that sometimes accompanies it.

Everyday-people can sometimes be too quick to Continue reading

Good Versus Evil.

12 Jan

The world is and always has been, filled with good and evil. It is what it is. It’s a kind of wilderness that we need to learn to survive in. We have to find our own way through and manage ourselves down at the waterhole, staying alert to and seeking shelter from giants, angry dwarves, wolves and many bad apples along the way. Even if we don’t bump into trouble personally, disaster, violence, cruelty and horror has a way of bursting into our lives and living rooms, into our newspapers, onto our television screens and into our neighbourhoods more often than any of us would like.

Credit to: Artist Evan Heasman (Soju Shots")This is one of his deliciously dark art pieces.

Credit to: Artist Evan Heasman (Soju Shots) This is one of his deliciously dark artworks.

We live in a time where it’s getting harder to screen things out. Over exposure to excessive darkness and real life horror stories (even though they a reality) can cause us to Continue reading

Get Thee To A Fairy Godmother.

23 Nov

For exactly half of my life now, I have devoted a lot of time working with individuals and couples, transforming difficult problems in imaginative ways, so I am a great believer in seeking creative solutions in times of stuckness. Looking outside of yourself and your relationship, sooner rather than later, for someone who uses their magic to coach, advise, counsel and support you, can be the difference between loving forever after and broken dreams.

A fairy & me at my fairy party when I turned 35 – photo by Hayley French

In Fairytales, a Fairy Godmother is a fairy with magical powers that is in charge of mentoring. She is someone who takes a particular interest in the upbringing and personal development of a select group of people that come under her umbrella of care. Times have changed so much. People don’t have or don’t make the time to be really present in that kind of way for others anymore. Our society hollers ‘Stay busy!’ ‘Distraction is good!’ ‘Disconnection is even better! ‘Drink this and all will be well,’ none of which create the space to be Godparent like towards Continue reading

In The Jungle, The Mighty Jungle.

19 Oct

There is a common trap that difficult people set for us in the jungle, a trap that we need to slow down enough to recognize, and be courageous enough to deal with in a new way, or it will have us falling right into a hole too deep to dig ourselves out of.

Trap setters don’t do vulnerability. Instead, they do blame and whirling storms of shame. Their behaviours invite avoidance and reactivity and eventual hostility.

Trap setters hide behind overly intense demanding comments such as: Continue reading