Boundaries | Leanne French Relationship Expert & Counsellor

Tag Archives: Boundaries

Setting Boundaries Protects Our Energy.

I think healthy boundaries are about reciprocal respect. They include setting up and communicating reasonable, clear expectations of acceptable ways for other people to behave towards us that contribute to feeling safe, supported and valued.

Imagine crouching under one of those slightly dented, aluminium colanders with a lot of holes. That’s kind of what my boundaries looked like when I was a kid.

When I first learnt about boundaries as a young therapist, I replaced that colander with a magnificent castle on a lush flower-filled island, surrounded by a moat, filled with snapping piranhas. I installed a drawbridge that only I could lift or lower because after all, the most important boundary a person can set, is limiting their availability. I also created a shield with light, bullet proof, glittery glass bricks, because the goal of boundaries is to be protected and stay connected at the same time.

My boundaries might seem like a fortress to some, but they serve to keep me clear, focused, more tolerant, and compassionately away from resentment.

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Tags: Beliefs, Boundaries, Boundary setting, childhood trauma, covid19, dread, emotional regulation, healthy connections, Leanne French Counsellor, Mangawhai Counsellor, needs and wants, Northland relationship counsellor, NZ Relationship Expert, personality disordered, rage, Respect, stress reduction, telehealth counsellor, therapist, Toxic relationships, values, Why are boundaries important

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Categories Addiction, Boundaries, Communication, Conflict resolution, Counselling, Covid-19, Gossip, Gratitude, Health, Kindness, Mindfulness, Raising children, Relationship advice, Self-care, Toxic Friendships, Wellbeing

Why Hope is Helpful in Hurtful Situations.

20 Jul

Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. Thich Nhat Hanh

I don’t think I’m alone in noticing that hostility and adversity are creeping into our collective culture more and more.

When other humans dump either of those on our doorstep, it’s such an unwelcome package. Being the recipient of threatening, thoughtless, hurtful or selfish behaviour wrapped up with string is a good time to think about Marcus Aurelius, Philosopher and Roman Emperor (121—180 C.E.) and what he wrote in Meditations about the pitfalls of human behaviour; “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly.”

To be fair, in the practice of positive psychology, where both the good and bad parts of life are equally genuine, it’s also good to remind ourselves that although people can be horrible and the news media hardly ever reports on goodness and social media might not leave us feeling content, in our real life there’s usually an abundance of good deeds, good behaviour and lovely people who display and offer honesty, justice, loyalty, decency, trustworthiness, kindness, charity, reliability, appropriateness and warmth. Let’s all take a moment to be grateful for them.

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Tags: Boundaries, hostility and adversity, how to respond to difficult situations, Leanne French Counsellor, Mangawhai Counsellor, negative media, NZ Relationship Expert, positive psychology, Resilience, suffering, telehealth counsellor, why hope is important

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Categories Boundaries, Bullying, Conflict resolution, Counselling, Hope, Resilience, Wellbeing

To Judge or Not To Judge, That is The Question.

20 Nov

Judge away. Everyone judges, it’s an automatic process. A part of our brain called the amygdala works out trustworthiness in a flash, giving us a gut feeling which then mixes in with a jumble of thoughts and flashes of life experience, and just like that, the foundation for our unique, perceptual lens of reality, informs our decisions.

So if we think about our judgements as super-personalised opinions rather than facts or universal truths, a little discernment may be needed before they fully inform our decision making. It’s helpful to bring our unconscious into mindful conscious focus. We could invite the observer self in and be curious about what we say, how we say it and why we say it. For instance, if we’re in the habit of expressing overly strong opinions/judgements that leave little room for others to have or share their own experience, it could be time to learn to choose more neutral descriptions. Or we might need to express things in a way that puts more personal ownership onto our observations. It might require us to decide which judgements are worthy of acting on and which are better to trash or transform? Consider if sharing them is kind? Necessary? Or could we instead emotionally investigate Continue reading →

Tags: are judgements good or bad, Boundaries, decision making, Kindness, Leanne French Counsellor, making judgements, opinions, triggers

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Categories Boundaries, Communication

How To Deal With Verbal Attacks.

26 Feb

Online, you can delete, block and sometimes report inappropriate or abusive comments, but what do you do if someone verbally attacks you at a dinner party or gathering?

After watching Anthony launch into a witch hunt on Cheryl at the dinner party on Married at First Sight Australia (series 4 episode 10) I realized a few things.

1. A lot of people, even strong empowered ones, don’t always know HOW to stop unwanted, unwarranted, unacceptable tirades.

2. Abuse often renders people speechless and causes what I call “bunny in the headlights.”

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