Let’s move away from asking questions disguised as opinions, judgements and directives and stop justifying and defending when we put forward answers. How often do we consider what we say, how we say it and what the possible consequences could be? Do we ask ourselves if our style of communication brings us closer together or further apart?
Most relationships benefit greatly from implementing the who, what, when, why and how questions, especially when we ask them with gentle enquiring curiosity. The idea is to use the word you, rather than making I statements and to avoid closed questions which generally only elicit yes or no answers.
One easy way to remember to reach for these kinds of questions is to imagine that each of our fingers is named who, what, when, why and how and that the word you sits in the centre of our palm. When we’re under a bit of stress or feeling triggered, we can then just stop and breathe, count to five, look at our hand as a reminder, then ask a question.
Combinations are infinite and the more we practise asking the questions, the more familiar we become with implementing them as a natural part of our communication style.
The who what when why and how questions keep people on a more even playing field. In Transactional Analysis we say it moves us out of child and critical parent ego states into our more rational adult ego state. It’s important to take on a naive enquirer tone to encourage openness.
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Leanne French Relationship Expert & Counsellor 