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Rumination and Overthinking.

1 Oct

“Shut up, she tells her monkey mind. Please shut up, you picker of nits, presser of bruises, counter of losses, fearer of failures, collector of grievances future and past.”

― Leni Zumas – Red Clocks.

Do your thoughts get stuck on repeat?

How come the endless monkey chatter in our brain doesn’t just swing along the monkey bars, happily processing emotions, highlighting new insights that strengthen us and lead the way to sensible solutions that resolve our problems?

It depends on the nature of the chatter! Rumination can stem from too much self-focused thinking about emotional distress, mistakes, upsetting events, unresolved concerns, uncertain futures, perceived inadequacies and trauma. 

We’re mistakenly hoping for relief and instead paying attention to our distress, rather than seeking ways to destress, if we do any (or all) of the following,

  • Have a negative filter on.
  • Talk to ourselves in a self critical way.
  • Tend to overanalyze situations.
  • Replay past conversations or conflicts.
  • Dwell on the past and only focus on what went wrong.
  • Spend too much time guessing people’s intentions.
  • Constantly second guess our own decisions.
  • Catastrophize.
  • Make mountains out of molehills.
  • Chew over the what ifs… the did I… and the how comes…
  • Try to perfect or control future events.
  • Predict imagined futures and the many ways they could play out.
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The Who What When Why How Questions.

12 Jun

Let’s move away from asking questions disguised as opinions, judgements and directives and stop justifying and defending when we put forward answers. How often do we consider what we say, how we say it and what the possible consequences could be? Do we ask ourselves if our style of communication brings us closer together or further apart?

Most relationships benefit greatly from implementing the who, what, when, why and how questions, especially when we ask them with gentle enquiring curiosity. The idea is to use the word you, rather than making I statements and to avoid closed questions which generally only elicit yes or no answers. 

One easy way to remember to reach for these kinds of questions is to imagine that each of our fingers is named who, what, when, why and how and that the word you sits in the centre of our palm. When we’re under a bit of stress or feeling triggered, we can then just stop and breathe, count to five, look at our hand as a reminder, then ask a question.

Combinations are infinite and the more we practise asking the questions, the more familiar we become with implementing them as a natural part of our communication style. 

The who what when why and how questions keep people on a more even playing field. In Transactional Analysis we say it moves us out of child and critical parent ego states into our more rational adult ego state.  It’s important to take on a naive enquirer tone to encourage openness.

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2023. Resolutions Are Out. Replenishing Self Care Is In.

31 Dec

If you’re scanning the horizon looking for the latest emotional wellbeing trends, the predictions will come as a welcome surprise for the exhausted amongst us.

It seems that constantly trying to make sense of what’s been happening in a world filled with uncertainty, unrest and upheaval has meant we’ve spent way too much time doom scrolling and over thinking. We’ve been like meerkats on high alert, constantly bracing our brains and bodies against the storm, causing resilience fatigue.

Emotional stress depletes us and calm revives us. We need timeout to lower our heart rate and blood pressure, to calm our tummies and relax our muscles. We need to find stillness to settle everything down, to breathe easier and to soften. It’s time to surrender, to find places to vanish into, to swan about in, and if that means spending more time in our bathtub dressed as a merperson, eating plant based ice cream listening to music, so be it. It seems we are all so over having to be strong that we’re more than ready to welcome in these stress banishing S words for 2023.

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Setting Boundaries Protects Our Energy.

24 Aug

I think healthy boundaries are about reciprocal respect. They include setting up and communicating reasonable, clear expectations of acceptable ways for other people to behave towards us that contribute to feeling safe, supported and valued.

Imagine crouching under one of those slightly dented, aluminium colanders with a lot of holes. That’s kind of what my boundaries looked like when I was a kid. 

When I first learnt about boundaries as a young therapist, I replaced that colander with a magnificent castle on a lush flower-filled island, surrounded by a moat, filled with snapping piranhas. I installed a drawbridge that only I could lift or lower because after all, the most important boundary a person can set, is limiting their availability. I also created a shield with light, bullet proof, glittery glass bricks, because the goal of boundaries is to be protected and stay connected at the same time.

My boundaries might seem like a fortress to some, but they serve to keep me clear, focused, more tolerant, and compassionately away from resentment. 

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Why Hope is Helpful in Hurtful Situations.

20 Jul
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Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today. Thich Nhat Hanh

I don’t think I’m alone in noticing that hostility and adversity are creeping into our collective culture more and more. 

When other humans dump either of those on our doorstep, it’s such an unwelcome package. Being the recipient of threatening, thoughtless, hurtful or selfish behaviour wrapped up with string is a good time to think about Marcus Aurelius, Philosopher and Roman Emperor (121—180 C.E.) and what he wrote in Meditations about the pitfalls of human behaviour; “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly.”

To be fair, in the practice of positive psychology, where both the good and bad parts of life are equally genuine, it’s also good to remind ourselves that although people can be horrible and the news media hardly ever reports on goodness and social media might not leave us feeling content, in our real life there’s usually an abundance of good deeds, good behaviour and lovely people who display and offer honesty, justice, loyalty, decency, trustworthiness, kindness, charity, reliability, appropriateness and warmth. Let’s all take a moment to be grateful for them.

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World Smokefree Day. Let’s Stop Kids From Starting.

31 May

World Smokefree Day, that falls every year on May 31 is a chance to celebrate and work towards Smokefree/auahi kore lives for New Zealanders.

It happens to coincide with the release of a Government proposal in which the Ministry of Health have proposed a ‘grandfather’ policy, to progressively prohibit the sale of smoked tobacco products to a new age group each year. It would gradually increase the age of purchase restrictions by one year every year, so eventually it would be illegal to purchase if you’re under 25. Hooray.

The same proposal wants to limit the level of nicotine in cigarettes and put more investment into smoking cessation services. This is great for our future generation. Ask most smokers when they started, and they’ll say, ‘When I was a kid.’ And none of those kids realised they could get addicted to nicotine within days of first using it. Why? Because when they smoke, the nicotine goes to their brain. In 10 seconds. Straight to the part that controls feelings of pleasure and releases dopamine, a chemical that tricks them into thinking a cigarette equals pleasure. Then within a few minutes, the pleasure is gone, and the craving for a cigarette begins a new cycle.

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13 Simple Ways to Relieve Overwhelm.

12 May
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You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying, What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass. Timber Hawkeye.

Overwhelm can arrive when something triggers a powerful emotion in us; especially fear, which can then flood our mind with paralysing negative thoughts and emotions, and change our posture, breath and ability to cope.

It’s really important to be curious about our thought patterns, and to claw back some control because once negative thoughts overly take hold in our mind, they’re likely to distort the severity of our situation and have us focusing on dramatic consequences.

Emotional overwhelm occurs when the intensity of our feelings outmatches our ability to manage them. It can come from a single big stressor, like a pandemic. Or financial issues. Trying to make ends meet is probably number one in the list for tipping many people over the edge. Others find that overwhelm sweeps in like a tidal wave, brought on from a bunch of challenges like life transitions and losses that come at us one after the other.

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Surviving Love in Lockdown. 10 Top Relationship Tips.

8 May

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What if you’ve discovered you’re not one of those resilient couples, sheltering in place,  strengthening bonds, feeling loved up and loving it? What if your version has been six hideous weeks of groundhog day in inescapable confinement, filled with endless stress, brick wall arguments, unworkable arrangements and mind-numbing chores? If you’re desperate to burst your bubble and run for the hills, don’t add to the pessimistic divorce and break-up statistics, these are extraordinary circumstances.

Uncertainty spews forth a range of challenges, from financial pressures to burdens like working from home while also caring full time for children. Take away all the welcome distractions that used to exist in life before Covid, and you’ve got a source of tension even in the strongest of relationships.

For relationships cracking at the seams, although it may feel hopeless, it doesn’t have to be. Why not reframe it? Think of it as a fast track opportunity for growth because adversity Continue reading →

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Let’s All Be Better Humans.

26 Apr

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Beyond thinking about how to stop microbe movement and economic downfalls, will we also think more about respect and empathy? Can we create a new vision of a better world, for ourselves, our community, our environment and for our beautiful earth? My hope is that we will mindfully pay more attention to the wee glimpses we have of a future where we know what we want and need, and then work towards making many tiny incremental changes so all creatures can flourish. Let’s make our future ancestors proud.

 

 

 

 

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Reaching Out for Help is Brave.

24 Apr
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Our job on earth isn’t to criticize, reject, or judge. Our purpose is to offer a helping hand, compassion, and mercy. We are to do unto others as we hope they would do unto us. Dana Arcuri

With help, comes hope.

No one should wait until they’re in a dire state before seeking help. We need to bravely reach out, before things turn to custard. There are people, communities and agencies who are available to help all of us in many ways. Sometimes it’s about being directed to the right person or place, so you get the safe and compassionate response and assistance you deserve. And, with technology it doesn’t have to be public, it can remain private. Whether you are unsure about something, or not managing, it’s not impolite, a burden, or a sign of weakness. Helping another person actually makes others feel good.

Is there something you need help with from my field of expertise?

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