Communication | Leanne French Relationship Expert & Counsellor

Archive | Communication RSS feed for this section

Setting Boundaries Protects Our Energy.

I think healthy boundaries are about reciprocal respect. They include setting up and communicating reasonable, clear expectations of acceptable ways for other people to behave towards us that contribute to feeling safe, supported and valued.

Imagine crouching under one of those slightly dented, aluminium colanders with a lot of holes. That’s kind of what my boundaries looked like when I was a kid.

When I first learnt about boundaries as a young therapist, I replaced that colander with a magnificent castle on a lush flower-filled island, surrounded by a moat, filled with snapping piranhas. I installed a drawbridge that only I could lift or lower because after all, the most important boundary a person can set, is limiting their availability. I also created a shield with light, bullet proof, glittery glass bricks, because the goal of boundaries is to be protected and stay connected at the same time.

My boundaries might seem like a fortress to some, but they serve to keep me clear, focused, more tolerant, and compassionately away from resentment.

Continue reading →

Tags: Beliefs, Boundaries, Boundary setting, childhood trauma, covid19, dread, emotional regulation, healthy connections, Leanne French Counsellor, Mangawhai Counsellor, needs and wants, Northland relationship counsellor, NZ Relationship Expert, personality disordered, rage, Respect, stress reduction, telehealth counsellor, therapist, Toxic relationships, values, Why are boundaries important

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Boundaries, Communication, Conflict resolution, Counselling, Covid-19, Gossip, Gratitude, Health, Kindness, Mindfulness, Raising children, Relationship advice, Self-care, Toxic Friendships, Wellbeing

Surviving Love in Lockdown. 10 Top Relationship Tips.

8 May

What if you’ve discovered you’re not one of those resilient couples, sheltering in place, strengthening bonds, feeling loved up and loving it? What if your version has been six hideous weeks of groundhog day in inescapable confinement, filled with endless stress, brick wall arguments, unworkable arrangements and mind-numbing chores? If you’re desperate to burst your bubble and run for the hills, don’t add to the pessimistic divorce and break-up statistics, these are extraordinary circumstances.

Uncertainty spews forth a range of challenges, from financial pressures to burdens like working from home while also caring full time for children. Take away all the welcome distractions that used to exist in life before Covid, and you’ve got a source of tension even in the strongest of relationships.

For relationships cracking at the seams, although it may feel hopeless, it doesn’t have to be. Why not reframe it? Think of it as a fast track opportunity for growth because adversity Continue reading →

Tags: 10 top relationship tips, 10 top tips to survive love in lockdown, covid19, covid19 and relationships, how to emotionally manage isolation, how to make sure your relationship survives lockdown, how to strengthen your relationship, Leanne French Counsellor, love in lockdown, Mangawhai Counsellor, Northland relationship counsellor, NZ Relationship Expert, relationship expert, restrictions strain relationships, telehealth counsellor

Comments 2 Comments
Categories Communication, Conflict resolution, Counselling, Covid-19, Kindness, Relationship advice

Don’t Blurt What Might Hurt.

23 Apr

Day_029

In these socially distant times, spending more time online is one way to help satisfy our basic human longing for social inclusion. After nearly a month, people are saying they’re beginning to feel emotionally drained, restless and disappointed in the way some people are treating others. Others find themselves bombarded by overly strong opinions, forceful comments, put downs or really rude, sharp answers to reasonable questions, comments or status updates. When the comments stay public, they invite more negativity.

Unfortunately, because people bring to social media the ways they behave in Continue reading →

Tags: adult bullies, Be nice, bullying, Speak no evil, Sticks and Stones, Why are people mean?, Write no evil

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Boundaries, Bullying, Communication, Compassion, Conflict resolution, Counselling, Covid-19, Gossip, Health, Kindness, Relationship advice, Save the World

Grow Through What You Go Through.

16 Apr

Day_022_alt

Times like this can really make or break us. Never before as a nation, have we ever been in the situation we’re in. Essential and frontline workers are literally putting their lives on the line while some parents probably wish they could hang their children on the line.

It’s all about flattening the curve. It’s not a competition. We get that. It’s not about being the fittest or most fabulous. Some will moan, others will motivate. It doesn’t have to include a bake off or a dance off, but if it does and people enjoy it, let’s remember to be kind.

Some people are really sick, others are afraid of becoming sick. Some are Continue reading →

Tags: corona virus emotional wellbeing, Covid-19, covid19, Grow through what you go through, how to manage isolation, Reach out for help when you need it

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Communication, Compassion, Counselling, Covid-19, Health, Kindness

Dig Deep.

6 Apr

Day_012b

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. Victor Frankl.

While I’m not asking you to carefully craft all of your conversations, if you’re finding it challenging being confined in closer circumstances for longer periods of time than you are used to, and conflict is causing concern, it could be beneficial to learn how to respond rather than react. Especially if you want to create a more emotionally comforting bubble to hang out in.

Choosing our response is about making sure it’s calm, considered, conscious and in line with our core values. It’s driven by wanting to get the best out of a situation for ourselves and others. Responding is more about actively taking our time to work out what Continue reading →

Tags: Choosing how we respond in a crisis, communication in confinement, corona virus emotional wellbeing, covid19, goodness influencer, Relationship rescue, Respond rather than react, therapist

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Communication, Compassion, Conflict resolution, Counselling, Covid-19, Health, Kindness, Mindfulness, Relationship advice, Save the World, Self-care

Wherever You Go, There You Are.

27 Mar

Day_002b

The government have asked for our support to protect New Zealand and eradicate COVID-19. An important restriction has been put in place, stay home, save lives and no surprises, two days in and the usual suspects have gone a little wild, flaunting the rules and looking for loopholes.

We often hope that others will think, behave, react and respond the way we do, but it doesn’t always work that way. Some of the rules are bound to get a little tighter when people who don’t like to be told what to do, go about their business, their way. They are just being who they are, but when the consequences affect the collective, it Continue reading →

Tags: covid19, goodness influencer, Jon Kabat Zinn, Leanne French Counsellor, lockdown, self isolation, stay in the bubble, therapist

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Communication, Counselling, Covid-19, Health, Mindfulness

Tis the Season. Will it Be Sensational or Stink?

7 Dec

Many Christmas’s in my life and yours too I imagine, have been so amazing, filled with love and tinsel, a sparkly stream of fabulous family, amazing food, children’s squeals, handmade goodies, laden Christmas trees, thoughtful presents, shared stories, goofy games and loud laughter.

Some are sensational and some are far from it. Some are just stink.

There are many reasons why some homes, some years, overflow with seasonal joy, and others not so much. Life can occasionally just fall apart at the seams. Illness, loss, geographical distance, natural disasters, conflicted family, depression, dementia, stress, divorce, addiction, lack of finances, not having a home, you name it, some

Continue reading →

Tags: Christmas, Christmas expectations, Difficuilt Christmas, How do I respond to pressure at Christmas time?, Leanne French Counsellor, Xmas wellbeing

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Boundaries, Communication, Conflict resolution, Holiday celebrations

50 Reflective End of Year Family Questions.

3 Dec

How about introducing a new self reflective ritual into your family? As the year winds down it’s the perfect time to choose an evening or afternoon to gather together and consider things like: How was the past year? What worked and what did not work so well? What do I want to create in the year to come?

Continue reading →

Tags: family, goal setting, Leanne French Counsellor, Mangawhai Counsellor, Northland relationship counsellor, questions to consider, self reflection, telehealth counsellor

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Communication, Gratitude, Holiday celebrations, Raising children

Why are Some Homes Predictably Unpredictable?

27 Nov

When a parent is addicted to a substance, home life is often tense and unpredictable, and family members may either try to deny the addicts behaviour, make excuses for it, or attempt to control or stop it. For the one choosing to drink or drug, it’s hard to maintain rewarding healthy connections and be emotionally available.

So much time and energy gets gobbled up trying to either recover, obtain, use, and/or try to keep it secret. Addiction messes with mood and sleep and has personal, social, financial, health, relationship and even legal consequences.

If one or both parents are emotionally or physically unavailable long term, children can develop a fear of abandonment and learn that holding onto toxic relationships is better than being alone. Drinking and/or drugging is also so boring to grow up around. When the “substance” of choice is the priority, the child isn’t, and that reaffirms their sense of not really being worthy enough to get to know, listen to, learn about or have an in-depth relationship with.

Growing up around addiction, kids have to guess at what normal is. They are more subjected to chaos and Continue reading →

Tags: Addiction, are drugs a problem, drinking too much, my drinking is out of control, raising children around addiction

Comments Leave a Comment
Categories Addiction, Communication, Raising children

To Judge or Not To Judge, That is The Question.

20 Nov

Judge away. Everyone judges, it’s an automatic process. A part of our brain called the amygdala works out trustworthiness in a flash, giving us a gut feeling which then mixes in with a jumble of thoughts and flashes of life experience, and just like that, the foundation for our unique, perceptual lens of reality, informs our decisions.

So if we think about our judgements as super-personalised opinions rather than facts or universal truths, a little discernment may be needed before they fully inform our decision making. It’s helpful to bring our unconscious into mindful conscious focus. We could invite the observer self in and be curious about what we say, how we say it and why we say it. For instance, if we’re in the habit of expressing overly strong opinions/judgements that leave little room for others to have or share their own experience, it could be time to learn to choose more neutral descriptions. Or we might need to express things in a way that puts more personal ownership onto our observations. It might require us to decide which judgements are worthy of acting on and which are better to trash or transform? Consider if sharing them is kind? Necessary? Or could we instead emotionally investigate Continue reading →

Tags: are judgements good or bad, Boundaries, decision making, Kindness, Leanne French Counsellor, making judgements, opinions, triggers