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Ease into Uncertainty.

26 Mar

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Our NZ government declared a State of Emergency, and our current COVID-19 Alert Level is Level 4 also known as lockdown which is in place for four weeks or more. In summary, this means

  • Everyone must now stay home, except those providing essential services.
  • Only make physical contact with those that you live with.

It’s a normal, universal feeling to feel fear when faced with the unknown. As our news feeds fill with all kinds of stories, real, fake and funny, the reality is that 738 people died in one day in Spain yesterday, and 683 in Italy. It is vital that we all do our best to stick to the rules put in place to save lives and flatten the curve. The more careful we are, the sooner this thing will be over.

As a therapist, relationship expert and goodness influencer with 30 years of experience I’m here to help ease the possible psychological effects of these times. One of the first things to know is Continue reading →

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How to Beat Back to Work Blues.

13 Jan

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Forget the dread of “having” to go back to work, and instead say to yourself that you “get” to. Turn dread into gratefulness. Feeling gratitude for the time off you were able to have, increases feelings of happiness.

Reframe the first day back into it being just another day, and think about how good it’s going to be for your brain to sink its teeth into future challenges. 

Be sure to get plenty of sleep, not only the night before you start back, but all week. Being refreshed is important to help you cope with an added workload. Remember to avoid bright lights and technology for at least half an hour before you hit the pillow, and make sure your room is dark.

Pack a healthy, delicious lunch, one that gives you enjoyment. Think about changing out your water for sparkling water at least for the first week. If you eat lunch out, feel grateful that you have the finances to do so. Savour each mouthful and make sure what you read or the conversations you have over lunch are joy filled. Continue reading →

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What Makes Gossip And Rumours So Dangerous?

25 May
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Gossip exposes someone who isn’t present to defend themselves, to the collective wrath of others. It denies them a right to be fairly heard. It’s a cunning, passive aggressive form of ally recruitment, warlike in nature, used to advance one’s own opinions and agenda. Spreading rumours can be harmful to the reputation, credibility and social standing of others. Gossip encourages recruiters to dislike, be wary, mistrust, avoid, exclude and see the target as unappealing. It’s a form of social bullying.

Incite hatred long enough in any community, and it will eventually fall into the ears of those from the dark side of humanity, those who take pleasure in taking matters into their own hands, provoking and harassing. Once indifference has been fostered, destroying others becomes sport-like. Be wary because encouraging others to act on your behalf is dangerous and in some cases illegal, for both of you.

Fight or flight becomes the norm for the target in a misinformation campaign. Sometimes targets can’t cope and may hurt or harm themselves or they may take serious revenge as an escape from the constant pressure. Both can have devastating consequences. (Please see additional links below if you need help for either.)

If you are in the presence of someone spreading gossip about another person, here a few things you could say to disarm them:

Continue reading →

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How To Deal With Verbal Attacks.

26 Feb

Courage

Online, you can delete, block and sometimes report inappropriate or abusive comments, but what do you do if someone verbally attacks you at a dinner party or gathering?

After watching Anthony launch into a witch hunt on Cheryl at the dinner party on Married at First Sight Australia  (series 4 episode 10) I realized a few things.

1.  A lot of people, even strong empowered ones, don’t always know HOW to stop unwanted, unwarranted, unacceptable tirades.

2. Abuse often renders people speechless and causes what I call “bunny in the headlights.”

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3. The majority of people tend to sit in a bystander rather than Continue reading →

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Are You A Space Taker Or Connection Maker?

18 Jan

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You asked me for space by artist Soju Shots

A young photographer came into my shop this week and as it sometimes happens when it’s quiet and the energy is good, I got to work a little on-purpose magic.

She talked about her creative process and how she loves to wander with her camera, waiting for the moment to arrive that deserves capturing. She rolled her eyes at well-meaning relatives who direct her to take this or that.  When she goes to the beach with her boyfriend she said she can’t have quiet time because he is never quiet.

So I asked her Continue reading →

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5 Things People Do Wrong In Relationships.

16 Aug

Resolving Conflict

Illustrated by Clementine Sourdais.

1. We focus on what’s wrong rather than acknowledging and growing what’s right.

Ruminating on annoyances never makes them magically disappear. Instead we need to consciously manage our own reactions, responses and behaviours by curiously wondering what gets triggered within us when we feel wronged or annoyed. Or we could choose to just step away and skip merrily on our way, sidestepping obstacles. The more we involve ourselves in tasks that propel us forward and make us feel good, the better. See if you can stop, breathe, count to five and remind yourself of the value your loved ones add to your life.

2. We criticise rather than praise behaviours or affirm competence.

Think about how it feels when you have your less than fabulous traits pointed out to you in a way that doesn’t invite healthy discussion, kindness or creative solutions. People are so much more ready to give negative feedback than positive, and are likely to tell all who will listen about bad service rather than yell thanks from the rooftops about great service. Let’s all aim to spread more kindness around. Acknowledge. Affirm. Praise. Give Continue reading →

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7 Ways To Begin To Renovate Your Life.

14 Mar

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Circling Horses by Cassia Beck

If life feels stale around the edges, a lot of stuff is going wrong, others are being critical and competitive, friendships seem to be falling to the curb like flies, and normal activities begin to feel like swimming through thick fog, it could to time to change things up.

Often people will grin and bear it, grit their teeth, grind their teeth at night, and push on regardless, which is fine for a short time, just not a long time as it can compound the difficulties. Sometimes what we resist persists. When negativity outweighs positivity and it’s closing in on you from the outside and you have taken personal responsibility, searched deep within and tried many things that just aren’t working, or no one is listening or supporting you, or worse still blaming you, close the door and open another. Sometimes it’s actually not your fault. Sometimes you wake up and realise that you aren’t surrounded by your tribe. Or you realise that your shine and sparkle is being dulled in order to make someone else feel more adequate. Step away from determination and move closer to joy. Continue reading →

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Reasons Why, For Dry July.

4 Jul

Reposting from http://www.womansday.co.nz/health-diet/health/2015/6/the-benefits-of-taking-a-break-from-alcohol/

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Here’s how Dry July could benefit your own health as well as those you’re fundraising for

Dry July encourages participants to go alcohol-free for a month to raise funds for adults living with cancer, but the benefits of doing the challenge don’t stop there.

Leanne French, a relationship therapist and addictions counsellor, says taking a break from the booze could have a positive impact on your health and mental wellbeing.

“Drinking even small amounts of alcohol often can make you feel tired and depressed,” says Ms French, who has been a counsellor for over 25 years.

“One of the biggest benefits from taking a break is that people feel healthier and better in the morning, and have more energy, which naturally leads on to doing other healthy things, like eating better food and exercising.”

There’s also the ‘feel-good factor’ associated with setting yourself a goal and achieving it, and that can help improve your self-esteem. Not only that, going alcohol-free for a month could give you the opportunity to improve your relationships with the loved ones in your life.

“Drinking and recovering from drinking can be selfish. It can shut other people out and make you less physically and emotionally available to your partner,” Ms French says.

“Taking a break means you can assess whether this is happening, and may change your attitude to alcohol if it’s something that is having an impact on your relationship with a loved one.”

For more information on Dry July, visit their website.

Image: Getty

Other media releases http://www.nzwomansweekly.co.nz/health-home/health/reaping-the-benefits-of-dry-july/

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Who Is The Fairest Of Them All?

19 Sep

 

Snow White. (Thanks Gabrielle Laubscher for the photo of your princess.)

Snow White. (Thanks Gabrielle Laubscher  for the photo of your princess.)

 

You are of course!

I forced myself to watch an episode of “botched up bodies” to remind myself  just how rotten the consequences can be when people become repulsed with what they deem to be unacceptable about themselves.

For some, there is still such intense pressure to conform to an ideal standard of beauty. It’s everywhere. Even in the fruit aisle at the supermarket. If it’s too organic looking with a lump or a bump or a spot, out it goes. Most times it doesn’t even get to go on display even though it’s bursting with deliciousness.

It seems so villanous to banish anyone worth loving because they might have flabby arms, a jelly belly, a bald head, or a flailing bank balance.

I hope that we can all learn to be more gentle, more accommodating, and place less emphasis on beauty and begin to celebrate other important things that reside within, like talent, smartness and wisdom.

What do you think? Does there seem to be an increased demand or pressure for people and things to be more perfect and how do you feel about it?

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Getting Out Of Groundhog Day.

18 Jul

fairytale ones you love

Exhaustion sucks. It can rob us of our ability to smile, to have fun, to negotiate nicely, or it can invite us into overly sensitive states, the kind where “what about me”  blaming, finger-pointing and managing our moods and responses becomes so much more difficult.

It takes courage to ask for help when things feel a little out of control, or when you’re stuck in a rut and life seems a bit hum drum or boring. It’s hard to say you’re Continue reading →

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