Leanne French Relationship Expert & Counsellor

Workplace bullying happens to very experienced, competent, kind, nice people. It’s an undeserved burden that is unfair, uncomfortable and unjust.

Intimidation, control, humiliation, exclusion, put-downs, ridicule, constant criticism and being undermined is still so much harder to get people to acknowledge as damaging, demoralising and debilitating, compared to physical abuse. 

We have a bad reputation for bullying in New Zealand. Even so, if it happens to you, it’s likely you’ll feel alone and miserable. The first thing to do, is to move away from labelling yourself as a victim and instead see that you’re a target who somehow got in the way of a bully. Secondly, reach out for help so you can take it less personally, not continue to lose sleep, and find out why overthinking everything in the search to find the solutions is not helpful.

Why don’t others understand what’s happening to me?

It’s most likely others are treated differently and/or haven’t found themselves in the crosshair of the bully. Sometimes to become a target, it only takes

• calling someone out
• bad luck; wrong job, wrong time, wrong person
• having something they want
• an unfortunate instance of signalling that you’re an easy target because conflict and rocking the boat is uncomfortable.

What can I do about it?

• Ask for it to stop. Practise being more direct and blunt. Say “Please don’t talk to me like that.”
• Remember that bullies see avoidance as a weakness.
• Don’t give your power away, or isolate yourself.
• Neutralise mistreatment with a strong one liner, the first time it occurs. “Your behaviour towards me is not ok and I’d like you to stop.”
• In case it needs escalating to management or a legal team, keep track of/document consistent incidents. 

Rationally announcing that the unwanted conduct you’re experiencing is unacceptable to you and you’d like them to stop doing what they’re doing can make bullies less likely to repeat or keep up the bad behaviour. 

What else do I need to know about workplace bullying?

• All bullying begins with a single instigator, but it can become more traumatising and destabilising if they recruit allies.
• Bullies often increase intimidation by having a number of associates or friends present to support their position. If things escalate to proceedings this tactic is often used to back each other up and challenge the target. Sometimes bullies cut private deals with supporters who are willing to lie for them.
• You absolutely don’t deserve to lose credibility or be in hostile situations. Bullies don’t think twice about lying. They may thrive on finding “fun” ways to trigger your distress without getting caught doing it.
• Putting pressure on a target to make a decision before they’re ready, pulling a meeting forward or booking it in at super short notice so there’s no time to gather evidence, support or be properly prepared is also a common tactic. It’s done in order to get you to crack under pressure and give in to the aggressor’s demands.
• Staying in and taking it for too long, wears down and disempowers a target, making it more difficult to focus on creative solutions needed to get out of the toxic situation. Making a plan, before powerlessness and helplessness kicks in, makes it easier to reclaim power and dignity.

To fight or not to fight?

A huge amount of time and energy can be spent fighting injustice. Historically whistle-blowers have experienced merciless persecution. You have to weigh up if it’s worth it.

Companies who value profits over people often find it cheaper to get rid of a complaining target than to investigate a bully. Even if the company staff turnover is high it’s not unusual for a bully to be protected over and over again. It can be for a number of reasons. They might be charming, in positions of power, and more “valuable” than an easily replaceable target.

What about being falsely accused?

False accusations used to try to defeat a target is an emotional sideswiper and a cruel tactic. Instead of being defensive, smart coping strategies are needed, like getting legal help, along with a strong refusal to be dragged under in a crocodile death roll. 

If something doesn’t exist, and it’s without evidence, it’s not real. Trying to make sense of something that’s senseless uses a lot of emotional energy and dysregulates our nervous system. False accusations are designed to confuse, tip you off centre and divert focus away from what a bully refuses to take accountability for.  It’s part of what’s known as a devaluation process which comes right before discarding you because you are no longer worth anything to them. Getting out from under this type of bullying is advised because it erodes future trust.

Should I stay or should I go?

Even though it can seem defeatist, searching for a new job and exiting a toxic environment can be a much better use of energy. 10 times out of 10, targets say they feel relief and bounce back to their empowered selves quite quickly after exiting. Their hypervigilance however, may take a few months and a few counselling sessions, to settle. Employment assistance counselling can’t provide legal advice but can support your emotional wellbeing while you navigate your way through the difficulty.

How do I care for myself?

While dealing with a difficult event, keeping to a routine can provide a sense of focus and control. The predictability of changing bed sheets or cleaning out a cupboard, caring for those close to us and doing normal predictable things helps calm unpredictability. It works because it shifts our attention from the things we can’t control or change, to things within our control.

Know that in the aftermath of a crisis, it’s important to focus on staying resourced, getting rest, eating simply, paring down responsibilities, putting unnecessary commitments on hold, getting exercise, being in nature and seeking simple joys. You will get through this.

Shore up your personal vulnerability, formulate facts and evidence, and possibly plan a healthy exit. 

For employers.

If you’re an employer who acknowledges issues and validates your workers concerns and are doing your best to create a safe work culture, keep up the great work! You’re a vital change maker and a champion to your workers’ safety and emotional wellbeing. The world needs more people like you.

Share your survival story to help others!

Did you speak up to someone you trusted? Was it inside or outside of your organisation? Did you reach out to your employment assistance program or book time with your counsellor? Did you find it helpful to research your rights? I’d love to hear your experiences, good or bad, in the comments.

Tags: Boundaries, crocodile death roll, crocodiles, employment assistance, false accusations, flying monkeys, Leanne French Counsellor, narcissists, target of bullying, telehealth counsellor, toxic workplace, unwanted conduct, workplace bullying