The Who What When Why How Questions.

Let’s move away from asking questions disguised as opinions, judgements and directives and stop justifying and defending when we put forward answers. How often do we consider what we say, how we say it and what the possible consequences could be? Do we ask ourselves if our style of communication brings us closer together or further apart?

Most relationships benefit greatly from implementing the who, what, when, why and how questions, especially when we ask them with gentle enquiring curiosity. The idea is to use the word you, rather than making I statements and to avoid closed questions which generally only elicit yes or no answers.

One easy way to remember to reach for these kinds of questions is to imagine that each of our fingers is named who, what, when, why and how and that the word you sits in the centre of our palm. When we’re under a bit of stress or feeling triggered, we can then just stop and breathe, count to five, look at our hand as a reminder, then ask a question.

Combinations are infinite and the more we practise asking the questions, the more familiar we become with implementing them as a natural part of our communication style.

The who what when why and how questions keep people on a more even playing field. In Transactional Analysis we say it moves us out of child and critical parent ego states into our more rational adult ego state. It’s important to take on a naive enquirer tone to encourage openness.

It’s a technique we can use with most people, even children. When an open question is asked, the first thing someone has to do, is stop and think for themselves. This creates more emotional safety because it puts them more at ease and enables them to express more meaningful answers.

As an example if we ask a child – WHAT do YOU think might happen if you leave your wet towel on the floor? Instead of conflict, eye rolling or avoidance, what we get from them, is their own solution. Then we can ask the – WHY do you think YOU might have done that? Or HOW could YOU make sure you follow through on your plan? Or WHAT might YOU need in order to do that? Or WHO could help YOU? Or WHEN might you start doing that?

In relationships, asking open ended questions is a way to connect emotionally, allow vulnerability, decrease reactivity and constructively build intimacy. Then we just have to master really listening to the information contained in their answers, without busting to talk next, pushing to be right, or trying to win.

Examples of the who what when why how questions:

WHO could help YOU…
WHAT might YOU need in order to…
WHEN might YOU be able to…
WHY are YOU …?
HOW do YOU feel about…
WHO would YOU like to…
WHAT is something YOU have always wanted to…
WHEN did YOU first feel…
WHY is it …for YOU?
HOW might YOU want to handle…

Frequent conflict is more likely to arise when there are a lot of requests, demands, complaints, blame, telling, teaching, preaching, finger pointing, criticism, threats and angry I statements.

Some couples get in the loop of giving critical feedback which is more destructive than constructive, then wonder why it spirals fairly quickly into hurt, avoidance and conflict. Longer term this can contribute to feeling lonely, having incompatible goals, loss of trust and dissatisfaction.

It’s never really going to end well if we put more emphasis on making sure they hear that they’re not meeting our expectations, letting us down, not hearing us, or generally just not doing it right!

Successful relationships require a lot of validating, affirming, apology, praise, affection, constant care, understanding, and a lot of respectful questions and answers.