Rumination and Overthinking.

“Shut up, she tells her monkey mind. Please shut up, you picker of nits, presser of bruises, counter of losses, fearer of failures, collector of grievances future and past.”

― Leni Zumas – Red Clocks.

Do your thoughts get stuck on repeat?

How come the endless monkey chatter in our brain doesn’t just swing along the monkey bars, happily processing emotions, highlighting new insights that strengthen us and lead the way to sensible solutions that resolve our problems?

It depends on the nature of the chatter! Rumination can stem from too much self-focused thinking about emotional distress, mistakes, upsetting events, unresolved concerns, uncertain futures, perceived inadequacies and trauma.

We’re mistakenly hoping for relief and instead paying attention to our distress, rather than seeking ways to destress, if we do any (or all) of the following,

Have a negative filter on.
Talk to ourselves in a self critical way.
Tend to overanalyze situations.
Replay past conversations or conflicts.
Dwell on the past and only focus on what went wrong.
Spend too much time guessing people’s intentions.
Constantly second guess our own decisions.
Catastrophize.
Make mountains out of molehills.
Chew over the what ifs… the did I… and the how comes…
Try to perfect or control future events.
Predict imagined futures and the many ways they could play out.

Interestingly, despite rumination being designed to solve a solvable problem and move us towards assurance, if we either repeat negative thoughts about ourselves that move us away from peace and fulfilment, or we keep trying to solve things that are actually unsolvable such as situations that cannot be changed or controlled, problems will stay unsolved and we’ll get exhausted and distracted.

It pays to understand that a thought is just a thought, not a fact. We need to get that a thought is something that comes and goes, to and from our awareness, all the time, about 60,000 times a day, every single day.

We are not our thoughts and our thoughts are not us. We are separate from them.

We need to find ways to curiously observe thoughts that slide on in, without self blame and judgement and without piling so much meaning onto them. Somehow we need to make them more of a “meh” and less of a big deal.

It’s up to us to get back into the present moment, this present moment, and implement non reactive awareness.

There isn’t just one approach to this. Some things work better than others, depending on the situation, experience and the nature of the thoughts.

It’s always worth taking a troublesome thought and asking:

Is it true?
Is it accurate?
Is it helpful?
Is it self defeating or self supportive?
Does it move me towards feeling good, calm and peaceful or away from it?
Does it bring me down or lift me up?

These questions remind us that allowing toxic thought structures to swirl around in our brain without engaging in active coping or problem solving, just weakens our resolve, increases negativity and impacts our emotional wellbeing. It takes away our state of calm.

Themes of rumination that are typically about being inadequate or not good enough are self critical and have a tendency to make us feel stuck.

Trying to pursue answers to unanswerable questions, or truths to unknowable truths, can be anxiety producing. Sometimes we need to give up the struggle and instead surrender and seek healthy distractions.

How to destress from distress.

Like any trouble that needs taming, different coping mechanisms work for distinct types of thoughts depending on the person and circumstance.

For things outside of our control we could compassionately remind ourselves that we don’t have to know the answers to everything. We don’t have to get things perfect. And it’s really ok to just let things go sometimes. We can notice a thought without deciding why it’s there, whether it’s good or bad, or feeling like we are supposed to do something about that thought.

We could just give thoughts way less attention. Saying “Oh look, there’s a thought” helps make less of a big deal of it. Or “I notice I’m having a thought, however I am more interested in focusing on breathing in and out, low and slow.”

Thoughts are not the boss of us. We don’t have to relinquish control to them. When a thought comes to us, we’re actually allowed to not get involved with it and we’re entitled to say to the thought “So what!” Sometimes if a thought is unhelpful I just say “Really” and invite the next one in by simply saying “Next please.” It helps to imagine thoughts coming in on a cloud, and leaving on a cloud. Or some prefer a leaf on a river.

We can step out of introspection overload by paying more attention to what’s going on around us than inside us. Grounding is key.

Try the 3 3 3 rule – It involves looking around our environment to identify three objects and three sounds, then moving three body parts.

Distraction is always a helpful option. Getting outdoors, exercising, listening to music and doing familiar chores like cleaning, cooking, ironing or cleaning windows.

If you can’t sleep, play the A to Z game. Pick a neutral topic like place names or peoples names or animal species and work your way through the alphabet.

Other times might require working actively towards a solution because that’s why a repetitive thought can constantly demand our attention. Some are signs or signals asking us to pay attention to what’s causing distress that in reality actually need attending to. Acknowledge and embrace the issue by talking it over with someone. Talking about it in therapy can help organise our thinking as well as forming connections and offering a perception that might not have been obvious when it was all a jumble in our head.

Work towards resolving the issue, problem, challenge or obstacle by getting it down on paper. Make a list of creative problem solving options, then choose an option and work out a plan of action and put that plan into action bit by bit.

We could be curious about the feelings that thoughts may bring up. And we could feel those feelings.

We could train ourselves to focus more on things that go well, that went well and could go well.

We could engage in meaningful activities, things that bring us joy, give us a sense of achievement, and strengthen our talents.

What if distress turns to dread?

Our brains can get fearful when they’re passively and repetitively trying to figure out what to do next.

On top of that, if we go doubting our ability to cope and underestimate the help that could actually be available to us, we can just get in a deeper panic pickle.

By paying attention to our present moment, noticing the sensations in our body, making our exhale longer than our inhale, then taking our awareness out into our surroundings, seeing, touching, listening, smelling and even tasting, it helps create change in both our emotional and physiological state, pretty quickly moving us from being ungrounded to being more regulated, calm and relaxed.

Grounding isn’t about making the thoughts go away, changing them, or correcting or controlling or squishing the little buggers, it’s more about self-soothing, creating a sense of comfort, reducing overwhelm and re-orienting us back into the here and now so we can feel a sense of control.

In summary:

It’s good to make sure the memories we are generating are movies worth watching again.

Let’s find a good balance of thoughts that impact our mood for the better not worse.

We have the power and ability to choose the path towards soothing and a felt sense of safety.

Thinking doesn’t happen to us. It’s something we actually do to ourselves.

We can reclaim our power by remembering that overthinking needs a willing participant!

And…Sometimes a monkey just needs a cup of tea, a banana and a lie down, to calm down.

*Note – (If you suffer from OCD which causes intrusive, obsessive thoughts that may lead to compulsive behaviours to try to relieve distress, then you are best to seek advice from an expert in Exposure and Response Prevention.)