To avoid conflict in relationships, ask specific questions. This helps you to be heard. It also encourages the other person to think for themselves. We need to use the words who, what, when, why and how, followed by the word you. The key is to ask the questions with gentle inquiring curiosity, called a naive enquirer tone. Practice moving away from making I statements and avoid closed questions. These generally only elicit yes or no answers.
An easy way to remember these kinds of questions is to imagine that each of our fingers has a name. The names are who, what, when, why, and how. The word you sits in the center of our palm. When we’re under stress or feeling triggered, stop and breathe. Then count to five and look at our hand as a reminder before asking a question.
Combinations are infinite. The more we practice asking questions, the more familiar we become with incorporating them naturally into our communication style.
The who what when why and how questions keep everyone on a more even playing field. In Transactional Analysis, we say it moves us out of the child ego state. It also moves us out of the critical parent ego state. It transitions us into our more rational adult ego state.
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Leanne French Relationship Expert & Counsellor 