The Who What When Why How Questions.

To avoid conflict in relationships, ask specific questions. This helps you to be heard. It also encourages the other person to think for themselves. We need to use the words who, what, when, why and how, followed by the word you. The key is to ask the questions with gentle inquiring curiosity, called a naive enquirer tone. Practice moving away from making I statements and avoid closed questions. These generally only elicit yes or no answers. 

An easy way to remember these kinds of questions is to imagine that each of our fingers has a name. The names are who, what, when, why, and how. The word you sits in the center of our palm. When we’re under stress or feeling triggered, stop and breathe. Then count to five and look at our hand as a reminder before asking a question.

Combinations are infinite. The more we practice asking questions, the more familiar we become with incorporating them naturally into our communication style. 

The who what when why and how questions keep everyone on a more even playing field. In Transactional Analysis, we say it moves us out of the child ego state. It also moves us out of the critical parent ego state. It transitions us into our more rational adult ego state. 

It’s a technique we can use with most people, even children. When an open question is asked, the first thing someone has to do, is stop and think for themselves. This creates more emotional safety because it puts them more at ease and enables them to express more meaningful answers.

As an example, we might ask a child. WHAT do YOU think might happen if you leave your wet towel on the floor? Instead of conflict, eye rolling or avoidance, what we get from them, is their own solution. Then we can ask – WHY do you think YOU might have done that? Or HOW could YOU make sure you follow through on your plan? Or WHAT might YOU need in order to do that? Or WHO could help YOU? Or WHEN might YOU start doing that?

We can use the questions in workplaces, especially when our boundaries are being crossed. We can try WHY do YOU need it done immediately? HOW might it be for YOU to slow it down a little? WHAT might it take for YOU to say it more respectfully? WHO else could YOU ask to do it? WHY is it hard for YOU to hear my view on this?

In relationships, asking open ended questions is a way to connect emotionally, allow vulnerability, decrease reactivity and constructively build intimacy.

Examples of the who what when why how questions:

• WHO could help YOU…
• WHAT might YOU need in order to…
• WHEN might YOU be able to…
• WHY are YOU …?
• HOW do YOU feel about…
• WHO would YOU like to…
• WHAT is something YOU have always wanted to…
• WHEN did YOU first feel…
• WHY is it …for YOU?
• HOW might YOU want to handle…

Frequent conflict arises when there are many requests, demands, and complaints. We need to move away from blaming, telling, teaching, preaching, finger pointing, and criticizing.

Successful relationships need validation, affirmation, apology, praise, kindness, care, understanding, and a lot of respectful questions and answers.

Tags: adult ego state, communicaton, curiosity, Leanne French Counsellor, NZ Relationship Expert, reducing conflict, relationship tips, successful relationships, telehealth counsellor, therapist, transactional analysis, who what when why how