Many women say they wish their partners could be more this or more that. When I ask them if they think their partner was given those things as a child, the answer is generally a resounding no.
The aim here is not to blame or shame or parent bash. We all know everyone does the best job they can with the wisdom they have at the time. All children will conjure up their own particular unmet need no matter how fabulous their parents are or were.
When we can identity the particular positive, affirming words and behaviours we longed to hear and experience as children, we can understand why we still hunger for these same things as adults, and it gives us a very good clue as to why we may find it almost impossible to give our loved ones what we never got.
The single most magical thing that you can generously do for you beloved, is to be their genie give them what they have always wished and longed for.
How you ask?
By gently asking this question:
If I could grant you a wish to change some things about your mother and father when you were growing up, things that could magically turn them into completely ideal parents for you, what would those things be?
When you can be brave enough to admit to yourself their top faults or failings that are personal to you, the result becomes illuminating. A-ha’s and light bulb moments start popping off all over the place. This is my personal example: If my father hadn’t had addiction problems he could have paid better attention to his own needs, talents and passions and if he could have been courageous enough to do that, he might have been able to be interested in mine.
What is so healing for me as a grown up is that my beloved is addiction free. He totally pays attention to his own talents so he is fully able to recognize, encourage and celebrate mine and I make sure I take responsibility and meet my own need for recognition in positive ways.
Most days I work my genie magic and consciously fulfill my beloved’s needs which are to feel valued, to be spoken to in gentle and respectful ways and to be encouraged out into the world so everyone can value and see his artistic brilliance.
Do you work your genie magic?